My first STD was from a foam party
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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