My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
