I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
