You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
