Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
