she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think a kid would responsible me up
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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