My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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