I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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