Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
