yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize