You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
