Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
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