1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize