life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
