i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
