yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
