Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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