Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
