In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
