I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
