Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
