i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
