You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
