I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
