I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
