he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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