Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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