I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
