My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize