I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
