She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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