"it" just moved
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
