The maid of honor just puked.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
