I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
