my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
