i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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