You're completely useless in the revolution.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
