So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We had to coat check the pizza.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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