im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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