i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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