I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
