nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
