It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I AM VODKA MAN
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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