Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
