someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
True strength comes from lack of pants
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
