just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you had me at cake vodka
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
