In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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