I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
