i think my tv is drunk
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
