Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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