Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
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