I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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