3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
