All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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