Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Randomize
