I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
