i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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