its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
