She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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