hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
