1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
