one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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