I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
