Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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