im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
