i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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