dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
